27

I remember vividly the night before my 23 birthday. Almost a year married, living in a 650 square foot apartment, lying in my bed right around midnight. I was so upset that I was about to turn 23. So much so that I told Chad I was going to listen to Taylor Swift’s song 22 for the last time before I turned 23. I remember feeling like 23 was a turning point for becoming an adult. I just knew that life would be so much different every year that came next. 

Birthdays are funny. You look forward to being celebrated by the ones you love and excited for what is to come, but sometimes you feel sad because you will never be able to go back in time to this year again. 

This year of my life feels very similar to that pivotal birthday of 23. 

I have learned a lot of things this year. Some have been the most amazing, while others make me want to scream and cry out of frustration with the world. 

The Love of a Parent

Becoming a mother is the hardest thing in the world. It’s not just the physical aspect of becoming a mother–because that is rough–but the emotional side of becoming a mother too. Ask any mother and they will tell you something like, “I didn’t know that my heart was capable of loving like that until it happened.” Honestly it is so true. I feel so compelled to be a good steward of this little life the Lord has entrusted to Chad and me. You sacrifice so much in order to love this little human who can’t even give you a “thank you” or “I love you too.” But it doesn’t matter. 

When I got married, I always said that the love that I have for Chad is a beautiful reflection of how much the Lord loves us. When I had my son, I could not stop thinking about the Lord sending His son to die for us and it made me cry. I wouldn’t be able to do it. Becoming a mother, a parent, has truly shown me a different side of the Lord’s love for us that I did not fully understand. Though it is hard and tiring, I remember how hard and tiring it must be to love us sometimes too. I am so thankful that the Lord sent His son so we can teach ours about Him. 

To Trust the Lord is Just

One could argue that this past year has been the most divided that the church has been–at least in my lifetime. I have cried and called out to the Lord more times than I can count because of people who claim to follow Him handling things in a way contrary to how Jesus would live. I have read and prayed–and read and prayed some more–for the Lord to give me some sort of answer for why this happens. I could not find anything that justified it.  I was angry and I felt that even if I was to call out fellow believers, it would not come to anything. 

So I prayed for the Lord to take care of the hearts of those that love Him. I trusted that He was in control and He cares about the injustices and the wrongdoings of those that claim Him. He can not stand for His name to be used in vain. I cannot change someone’s mind. I can choose to love and do everything I can to show Christ’s love to those around me. I can also pray for people to see how their actions are not of the Lord. He continued to remind me that He is good and just, and I have been resting in that.

 “But God’s firm foundation stands, bearing this seal ‘The Lord knows those who are his,’ and “let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.” 2 Timothy 2:19.

“For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth there no longer remains a sacrifice for sin, but a fearful expectation of judgement and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries.“ Hebrews 10:26.

What a Blessing Family Is

I had always thought family was a blessing. But this year, the Lord showed me more than ever how sweet of a gift family is. Chad has been the sweetest gift that the Lord keeps giving to me. He has cried with me while giving birth to our son, he has dressed a surgical wound for months, he has brought me my water bottle from downstairs an infinite amount of times, and so much more. He continues to be my favorite earthly gift the Lord has given me. 

Along with Chad, our families have been ever so sweet and patient with us this year. They have loved us with the love of Christ and have sacrificed so much in order to show us their love. My mother and mother-in-law came in the week after Ellis was born and helped me grasp nursing him and took care of us when I got mastitis. They helped Chad and I when I ended up having an unexpected surgery by taking care of our house, feeding us, and comforting us. Our families have sacrificed things they loved so that there would be less risk during this pandemic if we needed them. In a time that could have felt overwhelmingly lonely, they have made us feel supported and loved. 

How to Preach to Myself

I have heard people talk about preaching to yourself before, but I never really gave it much thought until I did a bible study called Truth Filled by Ruth Cou Simons. My friend (shout out to you, Hayles!) and I really were struggling to find community while in the middle of being new moms in a pandemic, so we tried this Bible study. It was so good. The Lord knew exactly what we needed in this difficult season of our lives. Ruth talks about how in Paul’s letter to the Colossians was an example of how we are to preach to ourselves during different seasons of our lives. It encouraged us to believe who God is, who He says we are, then respond in faith to those beliefs. 

This year might not have looked like how I thought or wanted it to, but it has been the most formative year of my life. This year didn’t blossom the way I thought it would, but my roots have grown deeper in the Lord. I can’t wait to see the blooms that come from this beautiful, hard, exciting, scary, frustrating, and important year. 

This year, I don’t have a song to listen to before the clock strikes midnight. But what I do have is  remembrance of a year that has forever changed the way that I live.