Five years. When you first get married five years seems like it will be forever away–especially that first year when you are learning so much about each other. I remember thinking multiple times: “Are we going to have this same argument again??” That seems so long ago, yet it also feels like it was just yesterday.
Chad and I have done a lot in our five years. We have lived in five different houses which means we have packed up all of our belongings five times and loaded them in either a U-haul or a Pod five times. (If you have any questions on packing tips, I’m your gal.) We have become dog owners (or I say dog parents when Chad isn’t listening), we have both had different jobs, we have rented, bought a house, sold a house, bought another house, and had a baby! There have been countless late-night discussions working out our disagreements, but there has been more laughter than ever before in my life (I am a pretty serious person and not many people can truly make me goofy and silly, but Chad sure can).
So here are five things I have learned in the five years I have had the privilege of being married to my best friend:
Trust. A mentor of mine from college (shout out Melissa!) told me when I was freshly engaged that one thing she had to learn to do was, first, always trust the Lord. Then, secondly, trust your husband. This was something and is still something that I struggle with. One of the sins that I struggle with is only trusting myself. I like to be in control of everything in my life. I remember the times, while growing up, that I trusted someone, and ultimately that person let me down. BUT I know that every time I put my trust in the Lord, I have never been let down. This has been proven over and over. Secondly, trust your spouse. When I say I trust in Chad, I have learned to trust that he ultimately desires to please the Lord in all he does: and because I trust that in him, I can trust him in everything else. I trust that he loves me and would truly never do anything to intentionally hurt or upset me.
Honesty. I never realized I had a problem with being honest until I was married. Not in the sense that I was keeping secrets, but that I was lying about what would really bother me. For example, when asked if something was upsetting me, I would beat around the bush and make it seem like that I wasn’t upset, when really I was, but didn’t want to admit it or confront it. This sometimes shows up in the form of passivity. Chad told me while we were dating something that I will never forget, and when I give dating advice to girls, I always bring this up. He told me, “Becca, if you don’t tell me when I have done something that has made you upset, how can I fix it? I don’t want to do things that upset you. Tell me so I can change.” I think about this still when he does something that upsets me, and we’ve been married five years. My first inclination is to act like it’s not a big deal, or be passive-aggressive to show I am upset (which ladies–in my experience–men are usually not going to pick up on those passive-aggressive actions). Then I get upset when it happens again and usually it ends in my emotions boiling over. When I have come to Chad and honestly told him what was bothering me with a meekness (even sometimes when I might not have been as kind), he has proved time and time again to stop or actively work on whatever it is that was upsetting me. Same with him. He comes to me and tells me something I have done to hurt him, and because this is how our relationship works, I take a deep breath and I apologize and try to change the behavior that is causing him to feel upset.
Fun. Guys, I am not naturally a fun person. I am at the heart very serious and I feel like I am always in task mode. I look at fun like “something that can be done when everything on my list is finished.” Early on, I would honestly refuse to laugh, joke, or be silly when it was “cleaning day”, or when I was grading papers. Sometimes I would even want to remain stern and serious because I thought that would get the job done faster. I have learned that I can still get those things done, but I can laugh, make a joke about it, and smile at the same time. I can goofily dance in the kitchen while cleaning it up. I can pause and smile when my husband is trying to lighten my mood when doing tasks. These things may seem small, but they change the mood of “chores” and they help me to remember to “be joyful in all things” even the things that I dislike doing, but have to be done.
Love. This seems like an obvious one, but I think you have to preach it to yourself throughout marriage. Love is a choice. The love I had for Chad while I was dating him was beautiful, but it was also the “falling in love” part of our relationship. It was a lot of “heart eye” moments and a lot of mushy, gushy (make others want to vomit) talk. That love didn’t feel like it had to be chosen. It felt like it just was there. I look at those memories and I don’t regret them. Sometimes I miss them, but I realize that now our love is SO much more meaningful because we are choosing to love each other. Sometimes it’s an easy choice. Sometimes it is not an easy choice. Sometimes I just look at him and think “Man, I love him so much.” Then other times I think, “I am going to do this because I am choosing to love him.”
Intentionality. When I was in high school and college, I thought that a lot of the things I wanted in my future marriage would just automatically happen if I married a “good Christian guy”. So I focused on that. I would look and look for that person. Well, when I found Chad (rather he found me haha), I was like YES, he is a great Christian guy, and I thought that everything would just fall into place because of that. You forget in the falling in love part of the relationship that you are both sinful humans that are going to make mistakes. We have had to learn to be intentional about how we show our love to each other. Life gets busy. We would forget to be intentional in showing our love to each other in a way that we each receive love. We have also learned how to be intentional with our time. Chad, in our first year, asked if we could stop eating dinner in front of the TV. I was so against it at first. I’m a teacher, and we talk all day. I just wanted to do something that would make my mind go numb, rather than having to talk even more. He wanted us to talk about our day at the dinner table, and to just engage in conversation with me every day by turning off all distractions. I fought it, but now it is one of my favorite parts of the day. I can’t wait to sit and talk, laugh, and sometimes cry with my husband at the dinner table. I am going to slide one in here for those married ladies who think that “intimacy with your husband” (wink wink) should happen only when you feel like it. We can have so many other things going on in our mind that we can put that on the back-burner if we are not careful. We have to make it a priority in our marriage by being intentional with our husbands in that aspect. Even when we might not feel like it. Remember how important that is in a marriage, and be intentional by choosing intimacy with our spouses on a regular basis.
I’ll finish with this. There have been a lot of things I have learned, but it hasn’t always been easy learning these things. Through my marriage, I have learned more about the sin in my life than ever before, but I have also learned more about the Lord’s love for us. My marriage is always helping me to rip off the sin that I developed in my life, and seek the Lord to bloom something more like Him in its place. I’m so thankful for these years because I love my husband, but more so, because through it I have learned to depend, trust, and become more like the Lord than ever before in my life. Praise the Lord for His goodness and for allowing us to use marriage to glorify Him.
Binding My Heart 